Stockholm Syndrome

Sometimes like now I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome.

How?

Oh Gelato, I love you

Well sometimes I feel like home, the world, North America is my captor. Perhaps that's why I always struggle with being at home because I view it as my enemy so that I can survive and not get swept up in the good things that are here. There are so many good things here, like hot showers (seriously yes this is at the top of my list, I LOVE hot showers), the ability to make money and earn a paycheck, to go to malls that have real stores, to have whatever food my heart desires, there is just so much choice and opportunity here. Its so easy to lose myself in this world, to fall in love with this world. I can feel my focus slipping, off of God, to a focus of all this world can offer me and how hard it is to always be the only one fighting.

You see in my head it would be so easy to give in and competly embrace this life of stability and safety. However I know that these things are all in my head and that life here wouldn't be any easier. It would most likely be harder because my heart cries out, it cries out for the lost, hungry, broken, alone people here on this earth. My heart cries out against a"normal" life, it yearns to hold people and spend my life pouring out everything God has given me on to them. My heart yearns to hold the broken girl in Africa who believes she's never been loved, I long to hold her hand, look in her eyes and tell her of a God who adores her, a God who loves her. My arms ache to hold beautiful children from around the world, they ache to hug them and whisper prayers over their beautiful little bodies, prayers of life and love. I long to run, jump, and laugh with people of all different ages and races. My heart longs to go where ever the Lord asks me to go, because ultimately my heart longs to just be with the Lord.

Sweet sweet children

Perhaps this is why I love Africa so much, for me when I am there I can do nothing except rely upon the Lord. I know from first hand experience I am literally helpless in Africa, I can't speak the language, I am white (which is occasionally a help but often makes me a target), the problems in Africa are enormous and they can be overwhelming. I can't feed every single hungry person I see, I can't send all the children to school, and I definitely cannot heal the sick by myself. There is nothing that I can do on my own and Africa makes this very clear. Whereas here at home its easy to forget God because I can do so much on my own, its easy to go to the store and not be worried about being ripped off, if people are sick they go to a doctor, life is not life and death here.

Now I know what many of you are thinking is that I should get over myself and learn to rely on the Lord here in the land of opportunity too, and I agree, I am learning slowly but Africa has definitely been instrumental in my  instruction. However I think it important to not forget that there is a reason that my heart aches for Africa. So I will continue to remember this ache in my heart because it has saved my life, this ache reminds me why I live, it reminds me of God's overwhelming love for me and for the world. It reminds me why I do everything that I do, it reminds me that I am in the midst of war against the world that I am fighting for something.

So Presh!

What am I fighting for?

I am fighting for the church, I am fighting to see it rise up, to stop ignoring the hurt and pain that surrounds us no matter where we are in the world. I long to hear the end of the #firstworldproblems and I long to hear the church talking AND taking action against the problems in the world. Actually I long for us to forget the word problems and instead see the people instead of labels, like poverty, hunger, trafficked. I want to see the world set on fire by holy love, to see the church reaching out to the world in love without expectations. I want to see the church set free so that it can in turn be instruments that the Lord uses to set the world free.

So Lord don't let me be to comfortable at home, let me enjoy the blessings that surround me but don't let me be too confortable. Abba strengthen me to continue to say no to the world and take away some of the lingering fear I sometimes feel when saying yes to you. Thank you Abba that I have been so blessed by your love, thank you for choosing me. I love you my Abba.

Ashley